So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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