my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Randomize
