why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
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I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
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I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize