I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
