i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
