you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
