I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
