I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
