my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
