How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
