do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
zippers are such a cool invention
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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