When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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