My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
