On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Randomize
