i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
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Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
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I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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