Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
