Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
