Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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