Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
