i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
