This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She told me I should be a condom model.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
