I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
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You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
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Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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