I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
