I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
