so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
