I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
