Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
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So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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