IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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