They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
two words: eviction party
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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