Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
