How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
