yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
