The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
