you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
