fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
