I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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