We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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