I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
