What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
