am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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