I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
soo... how was my night?
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