Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
