I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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