I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
