Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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