ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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