yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
