Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
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Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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