he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
