How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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