i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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