apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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