He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
