I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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