Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
