do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
