She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
