I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
