This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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